3 books that helped me understand Love & Relationships better
Love is truly wonderful.
To be seen, to be changed, to grow - and yet to be in a healthy relationship is one of the toughest things to master. Here are 3 books that helped me understand the complexity of relationships better, taught me about recognising my own patterns I want(ed) to change, and eventually become a better friend, sister, partner, and listener.
1) Attached. - Amir Levine, M.D and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA
I read this book after a terrible breakup of a situationship, or simply - a breakup. This book was a true eye opener for me, because I finally understood what had irked me about the dynamic we had during the time we were seeing each other.
While the attachment styles are presented it is also highlighted that one does not (have to) stay with one attachment style that could never change. There’s definitely a large spectrum and the potential for change to happen.
In this book you’ll read about 3 main styles along with combinations of the following:
Secure attachment style (surprise, around 50 % of the world’s population show signs of a secure attachment)
avoidant attachment
anxious attachment
I found out that I am now securely attached but have tendencies towards the anxious attachment style. How this can affect relationships and how you can avoid “always ending up falling for the wrong ones” is explained fairly well with scenarios from everyday life.
2) Conversations on Love - Natasha Lunn
It had happened. I was (emotionally) cheated on. My former boyfriend had fallen for a mutual friend and when I had found out, I wanted nothing more than to see the world burn. Truthfully, those were moments of shattered self worth, no compassion for myself and I was not ready to listen whatsoever.
And this is when this book had found me. Natasha Lunn’s book is a collection of stories about love: how friends grow apart, how we process anger and grief in relationships and ultimately - how we forgive. As human beings we seek connection and community and this book helped me find my peace when all seemed lost.
Conversations on love taught me compassion and empathy. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in accountability. But I also believe that after making mistakes, we deserve another chance to show that we can learn and grow.
(The forgiveness part came long after the split. I’m spilling all the tea today it seems)
Anyhow, I highly recommend this book, if you enjoy reading in sections and being able to choose chapters you might find more interesting than others. This book doesn’t require you to read everything in one go.
3) Adult children of emotionally immature parents - Lindsay C Gibson, PsyD
The title says it all - in this book you’ll dive and dig deep into the abyss of your abandonment issues that can come in many shapes and forms (unfortunately). While I wish that no child should have to suffer under emotionally immature guardians, you and I both know that reality is less pretty in that regard.
This book does not excuse the behaviour of the parents. However, it shows how mindsets and beliefs are formed and passed on from one generation to another. Reading this may make your experiences and your feelings feel validated. There is no revenge. There is no “I am sorry” but there are tools that will be handed to you with which you’ll be able to choose from then on, how you would like to move on, move away, and deal with whatever you had to go through.
You are not what happened to you. We may not have been able to choose how we grew up and who we had to grow up with. But as adults, I believe it is our responsibility to not pass on what we did not want to experience ourselves to the next generation.